I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Breaking news:
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My dad teaching me to drive
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!