Guantanamo Bae
You Might Also Like
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My life coach traded me.