going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.