“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Ha
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.