I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: