The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen