My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You Might Also Like
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Y’all ready for this
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Coffee for people with no kids
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon