*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Breaking news:
still the best tweet of the year by far
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.