Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
SF is the wild wild west man
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.