u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My biological clock is wheezing.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.