My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
This will never not be funny 😭
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.