Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit