I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on