23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.