My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.