Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
This kid is going places
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color