To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.