When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*puts my mental health in rice
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Finally
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
uncle dave has been through hell
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married