Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
We’re all getting idioter.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?