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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman