Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
New mindset, who dis?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t