My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.