“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You Might Also Like
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.