Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
nobody’s gonna understand
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”