Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Oh thanks BBC.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.