Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.