Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Just so funny
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
reviewed some movies recently
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.