I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
i guess his teacher was really pissed
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.