[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union