even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.