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The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”