2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.