when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
New mindset, who dis?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?