Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Storm Tropical Storm
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?