lost dog
You Might Also Like
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child