My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about