I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I feel this so hard
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.