I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.