4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.