me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.