I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
So many pants.
So little yoga.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?