They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
You sure about that?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Personal question. #JustSaying
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.