Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Coffee is ready.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS