[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.