Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there