*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
You Might Also Like
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.