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From Facebook just now…
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I found your tweet-up…
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not