My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here