CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“and how does that make you feel?”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.