[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?